Five Personalities To Avoid Like The Plague

Five Personalities To Avoid Like The Plague



There is a ton of negativity and stress to deal with in daily life. Your commute sucks. Your rent is way too high. You just found out you have an STD. Fortunately, there are also positive situations that make you happy. In both cases, these situations have a profound effect on you and your mood, and this also applies to different types of personalities. Personalities can be positive or negative, and the more you expose yourself to a particular mindset, the more likely its going to affect you. There are so many interesting people in our lives who are pretty awesome; they contribute in some way to themselves or society, and bring value in the form of friendship, business, or sometimes just really great companionship. It doesn’t matter who they are to you; it matters how they make you feel. But there’s also another species of human, one that lives, breathes, and exists solely to either be miserable or make others miserable, kind of like the person you’re thinking about right now. Although there are a multitude of messed up personalities, there are some characteristics that really, really suck. By the way – these personalities / characteristics are not gender-specific and the “he” and “she” examples are just for ease of reading.

So what are these most delightful of characteristics my dear readers?

The Anchor


The Anchor is a friend from high school added to Facebook after a midnight nostalgia binge. He was the classmate you find yourself naturally adding after you’ve finished searching for the profiles of the popular ones and the ones you had a crush on. The Anchor takes pride in not working or having any inkling of motivation or desire for self-betterment, and he makes sure to let you know how the Wall Street guys are a bunch of thieves and that he really hates immigrants for taking U.S jobs. After dropping out of school, the Anchor decided to fake a leg/back/neck injury to collect government checks every month and has three baby mamas, a restraining order, and no desire to ever, ever be productive in this lifetime. He doesn’t really care about you and is wholly un-supportive of your goals.

The Martyr Complex / Syndrome

Ahhh… my personal favorite from countless firsthand experiences; the Martyr. Have you ever met someone who is always volunteering to do something she absolutely doesn’t have to do, so you can give her a pet on the head pat on the back for doing it? What about constantly reminding you just how much she’s suffering to make you happy day-in, day-out and how little you appreciate it?  The Martyr does absolutely nothing without expecting (actually, demanding) praise, or else you’re going to hear about it every. single. fucking. time. Like a delicate flower to the sun, the Martyr personality needs constant acknowledgement, praise, and if you can muster it; applause for staying for the kids, throwing away her career, or doing whatever it is she’s whining about or else she’ll turn into fucking Satan. The distinctively disappointed, bad attitude followed by tears and constant references to her life of wasted sacrifice will drain you, push you down, and wreak havoc with your brains – making you feel vaguely guilty for even being around her chronic aura of self-imposed misery.

The Imperial Dung Beetle


Imperial because he thinks he’s better than you; Dung Beetle because I couldn’t resist likening this type of personality to a shit-rolling insect. The I.D.B always thinks he is superior to you, to anyone, anything, anywhere while constantly looking like he suddenly smelled a fart. Rude, obnoxious, and with little-to-no traces of charm, taste, or class, The Imperial Dung Beetle has been known to rummage wholesale retail outlets for brand-name knock-offs while frowning on your lack of style and inability to adopt the latest trends. He’s always “super busy” trying to look busy for other people, has a very limited friend circle, secretly hates his family and always gives you a backhanded compliment when he absolutely has to. The Imperial Dung Beetle’s personality is most animated during family or class reunions after which he completely implodes and feels horrible about everyone’s success. This is the friend who makes statements such as “that looks sooo good on you for someone with your complexion”

Liar, Liar

Liar Liar is rarely truthful and it’s exhausting for even her to keep up with the web of lies she weaves. Then, when she gets caught (which is often) you feel more embarrassed for her than she does for herself. Then you start to expect it. Then it starts pissing you off. Liar Liar is conditioned to hide the truth because from an early age, it was a survival instinct that keeps her looking good that translates to the la-la land she continues to live in today. Although relatively obvious in terms of immense insecurity and daddy issues, be careful if you happen to actually like Liar Liar. She may genuinely care about your relationship but her chronic inability to tell the truth will one day become too off-putting and troublesome to deal with. This one will break your heart.


Although this post is obviously meant as a work of satire, there are many people we all know that embody some of the characteristics of the above personalities. As long as you are able to identify them and understand that The Anchor will never push you to succeed, The Martyr will always blame you for her misery, The Imperial Dung Beetle will always choose to belittle you, and Liar Liar will one day keep something from you that will hurt you profoundly, you’ll be able to protect yourself and understand their tactics instead of falling prey to them.


You may also like...

8 Responses

  1. Julie says:

    I have at least 10 “friends” for each of your categories above! Seriously! Why do I keep them on my newsfeed?

  2. Shelby says:

    Thanks for sharing!!

  3. I sadly was completely smitten with an anchor for a very long time. It was a horrible relationship ship that I couldn’t stop myself from always getting into. I love the way you describe these personalities, another amazing post!
    xoxo Alocoa

  4. ****Alicia ha-ha typo for my own name.

  5. I think we all encounter most of these kind of people and its sad. I try my best to stay away !! I enjoyed reading this post.

  6. Erlene says:

    I think I’ve been fortunate to have weeded out these 5 personalities pretty quick through life. I’ve also weeded out the constant complainer too because that can get old pretty fast.

  7. Sheryl says:

    Preach! So very true on all accounts. I have dealt with them all. I am glad to say recognition is the first step! LOL

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *